# ATTENTION ! Pumilo aka Doug the Bug



## Zoomie (Jul 3, 2011)

I have a problem and you need to fix it !

Last year I puchased a number of bugs from you. During our pre-purchase conversation, we discussed general health, care, feeding, proper housing, etc. At that time, I asked just how big that the Spanish Orange Isopods were at maturity. I specifically recall you using the term "HUGE" to describe them.

As always, I did the Man Calculation. We all know that men grossly overestimate the size of anything.........fish, deer, their respective.........um..........well you know. Because of this, every time one of my friends references the size of anything, I divide the number by 2.5. The equation looks like this:

Quoted Size = BS 

Actual Size = RL (Real Life). 

So..........

QS / 2.5 = RL

Using the equation above, I was able to determine that the Spanish Oranges weren't all that big. Clearly of safe enough size to place in all of my frog tanks. (Please pay attention and stay with me.) 

The other evening I took a look in the Chazuta tank. One of my males came to the front of the tank and tapped on the glass. I opened the door and bid him good day, asking what I could do for him. (As info, he is one of those tenants that always has a complaint. He is not getting enough flies, he doesn't like the ICB shake and bake coating on any of his meals, the light is too bright, oh, and my personal favorite, there aren't enough women living in the neighhborhood.)

Interestingly, he asked that I supply him with a large caliber handgun. Now I don't know about your experiences, but I can't recall the last time any of my frogs asked me to provide a weapon of any kind.

The Chuzuta went on to explain that a monster was terrorizing the neighborhood and that he was in fear for his life. Further, it was my responsibility to provide he and his ilk a safe environment. While I suspected that he was delusional, probably from licking flies off of his buddy one too many times, I took his request very seriously. 

The great state of Tennessee is a right-to-carry state (damn skippy!). State law requires that you must successfully complete 16 hours of handgun training. When I contacted state officials to inquire about where I could send him to class, the woman informed me that the state of Tennessee does not issue carry permits to known felons, anyone that is mentally unstable, nor Imitators. Tincs were allowed to carry, even tree frogs, but not Imitators. The state's reasoning behind this is that aren't grounded in reality because well, they imitate.

I returned to the tank and explained the situation the Chazuta. He informed me that I must capture the monster and remove it, or he would be forced to tender his 30 day notice of relocation.

I asked for a description of the beast. The Chuzuta described a Spanish Orange to a t, with a single exception. He stated that the beast was as big as he was. Again, he is a full grown MALE Chazuta so I had to once again use the equation above to determine the actual size of the beast.

That night I contructed a trap. Because of the alleged size of the monster, I elected to set up a slip noose trap using 50 pound Power Pro fishing line. I set the noose up in a known choke point on the tank floor and then constructed a path of fish food flake leading to the choke point. I then tied the Power Pro to the desk chair.

At 3 AM I awoke to a horrible racket. When I ran in to the frog room and turned the light on, the chair had moved all the way across the room and was butted up against the tank. When I traced the Power Pro, it had broken at the noose ! 50 pound Power Pro ! It was clear that this was no average isopod. I needed a better anchor and something heavier. 

The following night I grabbed the steal tow chain out of my truck. I again set up a noose with it, this time anchoring it to a masonry cinder block. Any bug can pull a chair across the room.

I stayed up well in to the morning, hearing nary a sound. I must have dozed off at some point. I awoke to the sound of glass breaking some time around 5 AM. Once again I turned on the lights. Both the brick and the tow chain were gone. When I inspected the tank, I finally saw this monster for the first time. He sat there staring at me. He had the cinder black dangling off of the tow chain hanging around his neck. He looked like one of those rappers. He had also woven a friendship bracelet out of the Power Pro. He was giving me the finger. Well actually, he was giving me lots of fingers. I lost count somewhere around 7.

This is your problem ! Get your butt on a plane and get out here. I want this thing gone! Bring a high caliber weapon, something 7.62 or bigger and armor piercing. 

You think I am kidding? Here is a picture of this thing within a couple of inches of the Chazuta.


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## jeeperrs (Jan 14, 2010)

LOL! That is a great story


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## TURQ64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Pretty flippoin' funny, matey!..made my morning....


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## froggies3 (Feb 1, 2011)

Holy ***t I never knew they were that kind of beast. Great story, and by the way was this fiction or non-fiction? (I'm leaning towards non-fiction, but I'm still curious.)


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## goku (Nov 11, 2009)

hahaha crazy story!! if you have some big terribilis around, you will make them happy if you feed them with that!

greetings!


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## stemcellular (Jun 26, 2008)

Ha, oh yeah, I have seen them bigger in my auratus tank. Nice!


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## IEatBugs (May 15, 2012)

Great write up of the events that unfolded Zoomie! Kept me on edge the whole time


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## zach77 (Feb 8, 2012)

Thanks!! This is one of the best posts I've seen recently!!


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## Woodsman (Jan 3, 2008)

You need to saddle-up that bad boy to make it easier for the Chazuta to get around. Giddy UP!

Richard.


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## Gamble (Aug 1, 2010)

When i read the headline, i thought "oh god, here we go ... more drama"

That was hilarious. I was actually laughing out loud reading this.
Good sh!t.


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## frog dude (Nov 11, 2011)

Zoomie said:


> I want this thing gone! Bring a high caliber weapon, something 7.62 or bigger and armor piercing.


Uhhhh, Zoomie, I don't think a 7.62 will fill the bill. You need a fullly automatic 50. cal


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## Judy S (Aug 29, 2010)

I knew this story was factual after reading your words...and I quote: 
As always, I did the Man Calculation. We all know that men grossly overestimate the size of anything.........fish, deer, their respective.........um..........well you know. Because of this, every time one of my friends references the size of anything, I divide the number by 2.5. The equation looks like this:
At last...an honest man... Great read


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## DracheFrau (May 23, 2012)

A good laugh for a bad morning. That was amazing. And lol at Man Calculations.


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## billschwinn (Dec 17, 2008)

That was really good! It reminded me of the video on YouTube of the spiders on drugs, which is too funny.


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## Rusty_Shackleford (Sep 2, 2010)

Filet that sucker and cook 'em up!


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## Golden State Mantellas (Mar 12, 2011)

Hahahaha Nice.


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## Dizzle21 (Aug 11, 2009)

saddle up!


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## chesney (Jan 18, 2007)

I agree, you need to fit him with a saddle and watch the fun begin!


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## frog dude (Nov 11, 2011)

Holy crap Dizzle! Where on earth did you find a picture of a beach girl riding a motorized isopod? It's pretty random.


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## Brotherly Monkey (Jul 20, 2010)

the pic looks like it's from burning man.


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## ghostpilot (Dec 29, 2011)

I said a swear when I seen the size of that thing! Good grief. lol


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## Dizzle21 (Aug 11, 2009)

Brotherly Monkey said:


> the pic looks like it's from burning man.


Yes sir it is indeed.


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## stu&shaz (Nov 19, 2009)

Zoomie ,
one of the best reads,for a good long while,i would like to wax lyrical.... ,make comparisons,with that Guy called Bill whom lived just down the road,in Stratford upon Avon,but i really can't.I'm overwhelmed with sadness,that one i would want to call friend ie the Dougster/Bugster 
(never could see letters never will),is selling below size bugs. I've spent my whole life thinking that the americans do absolutely every thing bigger than us,the photo says it all

Anyway,thats a super tinc you've got there....what morph is it


superb
Stu


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## frogface (Feb 20, 2010)

stu&shaz said:


> Zoomie ,
> one of the best reads,for a good long while,i would like to wax lyrical.... ,make comparisons,with that Guy called Bill whom lived just down the road,in Stratford upon Avon,but i really can't.I'm overwhelmed with sadness,that one i would want to call friend ie the Dougster/Bugster
> (never could see letters never will),is selling below size bugs. I've spent my whole life thinking that the americans do absolutely every thing bigger than us,the photo says it all
> 
> ...


Hahaha! Excellent 

Hey, anyone heard from Doug the Bug? Hope all is well with him and his out in Colorado.


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## Zoomie (Jul 3, 2011)

It's nice to see everyone chcuckle a bit about this. Sometimes it gets a little tense around here. 

Doug is a super guy with a fantastic sense of humor, and I can't help but poke him with a stick now and again.

Kris, I thought I saw a post where he was going out of town for a few days. I suspect that all is well.

I am all but certain that he will straighten me right out when he returns.

Frog on People. Frog On !


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## Pumilo (Sep 4, 2010)

Zoomie said:


> It's nice to see everyone chcuckle a bit about this. Sometimes it gets a little tense around here.
> 
> Doug is a super guy with a fantastic sense of humor, and I can't help but poke him with a stick now and again.
> 
> ...


Don't you know that's just one of the fringe benefits? Give him another month or so, whack the head off, and you've got yourself a nice lobster dinner!
I've just been off on a much needed little fishing break with the family. I had one of the greatest fishing days of my life and Max caught his first few river trout!


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## Zoomie (Jul 3, 2011)

Pumilo said:


> I had one of the greatest fishing days of my life........


It looks like your parachute Adams pattern in hot pink really does pull fish!


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## Cfrog (Oct 28, 2011)

I just threw some orange iso into my Leuc tank (we all know the are complainers by nature)......should I be worried?


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## Zoomie (Jul 3, 2011)

rain dart said:


> I just threw some orange iso into my Leuc tank (we all know the are complainers by nature)......should I be worried?


Well, I pulled my wild biker gang of Auratus and sent them in to deal with with the menace. When I got up this morning, All the Auratus had TWO BLACK EYES and were huddled in the corner, cryin' for their mama.

Your Leuc doesnt stand a chance.


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## fystol (Dec 10, 2011)

Absolutely hilarious post. I couldnt stop laughing, my wife thought I had a screw loose when I was reading it on my phone. Thanks made my day.


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## BurnsinTX (Nov 18, 2011)

Made my day as well, good story. I may need one or two of those to clean up the mess in my auratus tank.


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## Pumilo (Sep 4, 2010)

Zoomie, perhaps the real problem here is that you are raising a bunch of "mama's boy", loser frogs. If your bunch of little wimps would just "frog up", and put them in their place, it shouldn't be a problem.


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## Rusty_Shackleford (Sep 2, 2010)

Hear that? That would be the sound of the gauntlet being thrown down.


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## Zoomie (Jul 3, 2011)

Pumilo said:


> Zoomie, perhaps the real problem here is that you are raising a bunch of "mama's boy", loser frogs. If your bunch of little wimps would just "frog up", and put them in their place, it shouldn't be a problem.


There are two things that you never do. Never, talk bad about a man's dog or his frogs. 

For your information, I have fearless frogs that under normal circumstances, eat anything that moves in the tank.

You however, are raising psychopathic, irradiated bugs. I am on to your plot. Trying to take over the world right after creating the little anticipated Isopod Apocalypse. 

Well I have a friend that has a group of pissed off mint Terriblis. These guys are mean. How mean? If you look at them with a magnifying glass, those micro black spots barely discernable to the eye are actually prison tattoos, one for every bug they have ever eaten. 

This one time (no, not at band camp), she moved them to a tank that they didn't care for. When she came home, they had broken out of their enclosure and eaten every single fly in the house. Little froggy beer cans littered the room. SWAT was called in and they had to be subdued with tiny froggy rubber bullets. These guys don't play.

Besmirch my frogs again and I will send the Terriblis to your house. They will beat your Vanzos black and...............OOPS! Too Late !


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